How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
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AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.