Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
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Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?