Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
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My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
relationship goals
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Oh. My. God.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.