How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
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funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
what kind of cook setting is this??
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.