10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
You Might Also Like
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
🙄😏😂🤣
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.