Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
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BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.