Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
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Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Life cycle of cat
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
So inspired right now.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.