My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
You Might Also Like
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
This is hilarious….
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*