4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
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Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.