Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.