i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
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I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.