[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
You Might Also Like
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month