Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Always the camel, never the toe.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Hit me in the face with a bird
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.