Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
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Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source