If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
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He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?