[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
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Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
The USS B port
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no