I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
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beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Pot warmers of the day.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.