Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
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*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I can’t deal with men any longer
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.