Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
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Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Always.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
October already? What’s next? November????
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose