I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder