[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
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Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me