Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
You Might Also Like
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.