Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Erm I’m gonna say no
genie: please no
millipede: more legs