[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
real
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”