#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
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Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt