A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
this is the most humiliating day of my life
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob