How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
You Might Also Like
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.