Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
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Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
*Seductively hides in the woods
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”