me hitting on a model
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It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Cheer up.
This makes total sense…
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.