Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.