Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.