If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
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Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.