I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
🐕🍷
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.