genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Social distancing in Australia:
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.