Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
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Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.