no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
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I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The Sun’s probably Asian.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.