I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My flabber has been gasted.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first