I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.