Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
You Might Also Like
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.