Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
I think my mom just blocked me
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
CRYING
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
the short answer to this question
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.