‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
You Might Also Like
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen