RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.