[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
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Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
May your day taste like creamy soup.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’