People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Only a mother’s love …
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
finally found a reasonable question
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself