Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You Might Also Like
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough