Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
i choose….tongue
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?