[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
You learn something every day
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
how it started vs how it ended
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.