I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.