Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
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Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Has science gone too far?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.