I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
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Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂